Monday, November 28, 2005

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the Special Munich Edition (tm) of A Mongoose Does Deutschland presented by the Why Am I Reading This Media Group, through a partnership with the BBC and Deutschland Funk radio. The program will, due to its size, be presented in multiple parts in no particular order, and the task of placing the events in a linear sequence is left totally to the audience. Don't worry, he's a smart guy.

Part I: Bier

It's a self-sustaining ecosystem so complex that the basic functions and relationships of its many parts and components are still a mystery to modern science. The small amount of research that has been conducted has revealed the existence of complex proteins and antioxidents, that, according to Dr. Udo Maifelderfußheimmacher, professor of Bier Studies at Bayern University, shows promise fighting certain types of cancer. In what researchers call "das Brezelprinzip," test patients reported a remarkable increase in "just not caring" followed by singing and a deep, deep sleep in which the cancerous cells were replaced my what Dr. Maifelderfußheimmacher calls "healthy, gemütliche cells" craving red meat.

Beer in Munich comes in two sizes: 1\2 liter and 1 liter. That's it. If you ask for anything smaller, be prepared to be called "Gudrun" and supplied with a nice calico dress with a tasteful neckline and delicate fringe. Food in a beer hall is fantastic if you don't mind supping on the connective tissues of livestock or fried slabs of meat, which I didn't; it was delicious. It's true function, though, is to wash down your beer, which is literally cheaper than water. God, is it good. I personally didn't drink a liter, because I was kind of attached to the idea of actually walking out of the beer hall (stupid, I know). Still, that doesn't change the fact that there is something cool about a glass of beer so heavy that you have to wrap your hand around the glass through the handle just to pick it up comfortably.

There are several different native species of Bier found in Bayern; the Helles (light), Dunkeles (dark), Weizen (wheat), and several others, but they're frankly lower on the food chain, so who cares. Did you see how I just covered for not remembering the other names? Sometimes I'm so awesome, I just have to announce it.

And at this point, one runs into the paradox of Bier: it's taken VERY seriously, but there aren't very many types to choose from. America seems addicted to KINDS of beer, like Pilsner, Stout, Lager, things like that, while Germany prefers to stick to about four basics recipes, outlines if you will, then make all the rest of the beer in the world taste like pee in comparison.

Well, OK, Cologne has its own kind of Bier (Kölsch) that's really good, but for the sake of simplicity, it's not part of this discussion.

The natural place of consumption for Bier is anyplace dark and made of thick dark wood, even better if it smells like cigarette smoke. OK, that last part is a gimme, since nearly every surface in Germany with porous qualities comes with a built-in tobacco smell. Seriously, it's disgusting. It's one of those things about this country I don't think I will ever really get used to. I mean, if I really enjoyed the the stench of cheap carcinogens, I'd just wedge myself up in a chimney somewhere and read a book. At least then I'd have bragging rights and could say things like: "Oh yeah, well have you ever read a book wedged up in a chimney? I didn't think so." In my world, that would make the other person slink off dejected, but we all know what would really happen.

Though I visited several beer halls while in Munich, the coolest place both in terms of its Bier friendly atmosphere and sheer "who the hell built this place" factor, was an absolutely miniscule bar painted completely black on the inside and packed to the gills with people. I just kind of stood in the center of the room with my friends and drank a beer while watching everyone else.

Just a quick note: Germany is a great place for people watching, because EVERYONE stares! So if you find someone with a bad ass comb-over that looks like a spiral galaxy lacquered onto a cue ball, just stare away, my friends, stare away. It's normal here.

Right, so that's about the end of the Bier Post. Hope you enjoyed it. I might remember so stuff later and add to it, but I might not. I don't know. It depends. Before I go, another great German word: A "Wisk" is "Schneebesen (snow broom)." God, I love this language.

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