In the Being there was only Void and Darkness without Form, yet out of this Chaos came a Voice, and it said: "I AM," and so It was. It ordered the Chaos and gave Light to the Darkness, yet it was not finished. So It made TV, and looking down on it, It said: "I have made this, and it pleases me. It is good. I shall call it TV, and it shall bring Order and Light to the small apartments of socially isolated Fulbright Teaching Assistants stationed on small German islands adrift in the Baltic Sea, specifically those one and a half hours north of Lübeck." And so it was.
I now have a TV! That's right, after 20 days I have fancy "moving pictures" in my apartment! Let me just say that it is all kinds of nice; sound with PICTURES! I was so enthralled that I didn't feed my mules all weekend. I live on the edge.
Of adventures in German television, I can say that if you're looking for Sumo Wrestling, Pub Darts, Snooker, or Show Jumping in primetime spots, look no further. And not only has Germany filled my sport-watching dreams by replacing the over-blown salaries and culturally misplaced affection and adoration of the NBA with the over-blown salaries and culturally misplaced affection and adoration of Sumo Wrestling, it has also broken new ground in home entertainment. Yes, here tucked between France and Poland where everything exists to be improved upon, the blissful hours of mindless and thouroughly engrossing distraction offered by the television have been merged with a desire to earn money without ever having to sweep the potato chip crumbs from the crack of your pants.
Turn on a game show, you can call in and make money. Stumble into the industrial wasteland around channel 15 and you can have the pleasure of watching a young attractive woman sporting so much lip gloss that you wonder how many Sperm Whales died for that other-worldly sheen stare into the camera and all but dare the audience to spot the mistake in the second picture. If you get it right you win € 80,000. If you don't don't, she insults your manhood.
Last night I watched a cheesy show about the differences between Men and Women (it was so damn zany, fun-loving, and downright life affirming that I had to check my blood sugar), and if you guessed who would talk the most during the coarse of the show (a man or woman), you won € 10,000. € 10,000! The Germans, aside from discovering X-Ray, the lost city of Troy, and inventing the modern concept of interstate travel, have stumbled upon the obvious truth that anyone will sit through anything if, in the end, there is the smalled whiff of €10,000. Part II is next week. I am so there.
But that's not the point. Saturday night, the day I got my TV, I stayed up until about midnight watching just about every documentary I could find. Good times. Really. Anyway, somewhere in my Gummy Bear powered geek-out I stumbled onto the 20 second sex hotline ad. I had been warned before I came here, but let me tell you: nothing can prepare you. Nothing. For those of your who don't know, they are basically 10 to 20 second spots advertising various sex talk lines complete with pictures of the "goods" (shutter) and a voice chanting the number with the subtlety of a machine gun. Then they run it over and over again. And over. And over.
And they pretty well covered the gamut from the straight "meet nice guys and girls on your cell phone" to "Hot Students" (pretty standard) to "Gays online," also pretty standard. Aside from being tremendously annoying, there wasn't anything wrong with them. I emphasis "wasn't."
"Ripe Women." That's what they called it, "Ripe Women." What is that, you ask? I don't know, and I saw it. As far as I can tell, an Orka missed its intended prey, landing in the middle a teeming Sea Lion colony while a crew filmed it.
But if you're into over-weight German women in short plaid skirts with coke bottle lenses rubbing themselves "erotically" on a bed over and over again, let me know: I have the number for you. Christ. Ugh. I guess that's what I get for asked God to please make manifest the utterly sexually unattractive.
Oh yeah, I also watched a cool show on the resanctification of the Dresdener Frauenkirche, but you don't want to read about that. No, I didn't think so. If was pretty cool, though. AND, I could understand it all. Whoohoo!
And:
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! (I hope there are some good movies on TV tonight)
And I apologize for this post. Really, I do.
I now have a TV! That's right, after 20 days I have fancy "moving pictures" in my apartment! Let me just say that it is all kinds of nice; sound with PICTURES! I was so enthralled that I didn't feed my mules all weekend. I live on the edge.
Of adventures in German television, I can say that if you're looking for Sumo Wrestling, Pub Darts, Snooker, or Show Jumping in primetime spots, look no further. And not only has Germany filled my sport-watching dreams by replacing the over-blown salaries and culturally misplaced affection and adoration of the NBA with the over-blown salaries and culturally misplaced affection and adoration of Sumo Wrestling, it has also broken new ground in home entertainment. Yes, here tucked between France and Poland where everything exists to be improved upon, the blissful hours of mindless and thouroughly engrossing distraction offered by the television have been merged with a desire to earn money without ever having to sweep the potato chip crumbs from the crack of your pants.
Turn on a game show, you can call in and make money. Stumble into the industrial wasteland around channel 15 and you can have the pleasure of watching a young attractive woman sporting so much lip gloss that you wonder how many Sperm Whales died for that other-worldly sheen stare into the camera and all but dare the audience to spot the mistake in the second picture. If you get it right you win € 80,000. If you don't don't, she insults your manhood.
Last night I watched a cheesy show about the differences between Men and Women (it was so damn zany, fun-loving, and downright life affirming that I had to check my blood sugar), and if you guessed who would talk the most during the coarse of the show (a man or woman), you won € 10,000. € 10,000! The Germans, aside from discovering X-Ray, the lost city of Troy, and inventing the modern concept of interstate travel, have stumbled upon the obvious truth that anyone will sit through anything if, in the end, there is the smalled whiff of €10,000. Part II is next week. I am so there.
But that's not the point. Saturday night, the day I got my TV, I stayed up until about midnight watching just about every documentary I could find. Good times. Really. Anyway, somewhere in my Gummy Bear powered geek-out I stumbled onto the 20 second sex hotline ad. I had been warned before I came here, but let me tell you: nothing can prepare you. Nothing. For those of your who don't know, they are basically 10 to 20 second spots advertising various sex talk lines complete with pictures of the "goods" (shutter) and a voice chanting the number with the subtlety of a machine gun. Then they run it over and over again. And over. And over.
And they pretty well covered the gamut from the straight "meet nice guys and girls on your cell phone" to "Hot Students" (pretty standard) to "Gays online," also pretty standard. Aside from being tremendously annoying, there wasn't anything wrong with them. I emphasis "wasn't."
"Ripe Women." That's what they called it, "Ripe Women." What is that, you ask? I don't know, and I saw it. As far as I can tell, an Orka missed its intended prey, landing in the middle a teeming Sea Lion colony while a crew filmed it.
But if you're into over-weight German women in short plaid skirts with coke bottle lenses rubbing themselves "erotically" on a bed over and over again, let me know: I have the number for you. Christ. Ugh. I guess that's what I get for asked God to please make manifest the utterly sexually unattractive.
Oh yeah, I also watched a cool show on the resanctification of the Dresdener Frauenkirche, but you don't want to read about that. No, I didn't think so. If was pretty cool, though. AND, I could understand it all. Whoohoo!
And:
HAPPY HALLOWEEN! (I hope there are some good movies on TV tonight)
And I apologize for this post. Really, I do.
posted by Der verwirrte Ausländer at 2:16 PM
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