Friday, September 23, 2005

So I was walking back from the grocery store today, I was struck by a couple of things. First was the heavy smell of fried Eel coming from a cafe, and the second was the general character of this place, which is different to say the least, one that definitely makes an impression. So here are a couple of markers for the traveler that might just stumble over the River Elbe into good old Holstein (Schleswig is a district that covers the northern half of the Land, and ends at the Danish border. I live in Ostholstein, or East Holstein)

1. Moin. It's "hello," "good morning," "how's it going," all that stuff here, kind of the northern German equivalent of "aloha." It's a great word. Apart from having all of those different meanings, it just sounds friendly as hell. I guy could be rocking a chair on your sternum in golf shoes and you'd forgive him if he bracketed the experience with a nice "Moin."

Oh, a quick word on the German language in general. Don't worry, this will be brief. Have you ever had anyone tell you that English is the only language with a thesaurus because it's the only language that needs one? No? Well I have, and now I can tell you that it's a load of horse shit, pardon my French. German might not have ENOUGH words to warrent a thesaurus, but it makes up for that deficiency by giving every word about fifty different meanings. Only here could a word have the meaning "to apply" while having the metaphorical meaning "to count." Good times. Sorry, but it had to be said at some point.

2. On the same general topic, the "G" on the end of a word gets neglected sometimes around here....Kind of like home, actually. Example: I live in Burg auf Fehmarn, but if you here a nice solid local say it, it comes out as "Boorsh." Nice. Actually, it does sound rather pleasant. Simlarly, Hamburg is "Hamboorsh." Then there's Plattdeutsch, but that's another post altogether.

3. Weather. That's a big thing around here. If you didn't believe in a fickle god that controls the weather before you came, you will before you leave. You wake up in the morning and it looks like it will rain all day; it's gray, there's no sun, the wind is absolutely howling outside you're window, and it's cold as hell in your room. Around noon it's totally different. The sun is out, there are NO clouds, the wind is gone, and its actually kind of warm. Then other days it just kind of pisses rain, kind of non-commital like. Seriously, I don't know who Jehova has working in the Schleswig-Holstein Weather Department, but He's got to find a more ambitious character, someone with some "go get 'em" attitude. I don't know if I can stand this: "I'll make it rain today. No, wait. No, I better not. Well, I don't know, my girlfriend was kind of hoping I would. But it is late, and I was up all last night. I don't know. Should I?" attitude. Just make it rain already, or not! Oh, whoever is reading this, remember these words and make me eat them in November. Thank you.

4. When it does get cold here, it means it. It doesn't let a silly thing like human ingenuity get in its way either. No, it does not know the meaning of a wall, or any other kind of barrier, for that matter. If it's cold outside, it's cold inside. It's just the way it is. It's a rule. Best get used to it.

5. Red bricks and tile roofs. Everything's made of them here. Even baby carriages. It's true. You haven't lived until you've seen a good German girl bust a vain pushing her little munchkin over cobblestones in a brick carriage with blue trimmed windows. And there are some thatched roofs on the mainland, but I haven't seen them here.

So that's about it for now, but the list will be continued later, I'm sure. On another note, as I was walking back from the store (I do a lot of that here) I walk past this advertisement for a photo lab that features totally nude pictures of women in various poses, all of which are kind of creepy, if you must know. Anyway, I've gotten used to it by now, but there was this older couple in front of me today, and as they walked past, the old man peeled off silently in good form and stopped in front of the billboard. And stared. He was definitely interested. His wife noticed he was gone and called "Hans" over her shoulder. She was answered by a nice distracted "huh" and some kind of mumble I think meant "I'm coming." God, that made my day.

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